Today is a milestone for me. This is the first time in 11 years that I weight less than 90kg.
Back in 2007, I was somewhere around 81kg (+/-1) when the sh*t hit the fan in the family, and I fell into depression. Sport activities almost stopped right away in November of 2007, and I switched to eat junk food.
I had some money as inheritance, so it wasn’t a real issue for 2,5 years, but my health was deteriorate fast – and I’ve put on 32kg of fat in 2 years.
It was very hard to snap out of the depression my mother’s suicide caused (the underlying cause was more than her suicide, but the last big push into depression was her actions), I’ve tried for years, and I’ve been lucky to have a wife (girlfriend back than) who is as supportive as she is. I don’t think I would made it without her β₯
When we became a family in 2013,I’ve started visiting a psychologist to dive head first into my issues and face them, and 3-4 years later I was able to think and talk about what happened, what I am, how I feel without struggling with the words.
Mind you, the depression is there, but how I handle it, and how I use the energy behind it is very different compared to few years ago. So here it is. Under 9β£0β£ kg means a theoretical milestone, of which means that the majority of the hard part is behind me. I’ve been fighting with myself for a while to reach that point, and I’m almost in tears doing so.
Still a long way ahead to reach my target (under 85 kg, add another long distance triathlon to the completed list, and learn how to be a real dad to my kids) but probably the hardest part is behind me, so time to focus on the long run from now on, not only about to live another day.
Thank you for the reading if you get to the end, you, and all the online community have a part of this recovery.
I spend a tremendous amount of time with Zwift. The reason is, riding there helps me a lot to survive the cold, dark and wet season in my home country, where winter often feels like a semiannual season.
ZWIFT?
So, whatβs
Zwift? Hereβs a quick explanation (found on cyclingtips.com – content sponsored
by Zwift):
βZwift is
an online multiplayer training tool and game, which allows users to ride on a
series of courses against other riders from all around the world. It transcends
the dull reputation of training indoors, and has been at the forefront of
gamifying and bringing social interaction to this previously loathed activity.
Itβs clearly struck a chord with its target audience β the platformβs
popularity has rapidly grown, and hundreds of thousands of active account users
are now regularly logging on to ride on Zwift.
Zwift – Close the Gap
Within the
Zwift experience, users can choose the appearance, kit and bike of their
avatar. There are five virtual worlds βRichmond, Virginia; London CBD (with a
detour to the climb of Box Hill); Innsbruck, Austria; New York City; and a
fictional, steadily growing island called Watopia. The courses can be run both
clockwise and anti-clockwise, and Zwift serves up the different courses on a
rotating roster.β
Hi! That’s my virtual me – Zwift name is Christian Chrome
In the beginning
of Zwift, the roads have been populated with computer-driven βghostβ riders; blue
translucent avatars, if I remind correctly. I guess they have been invented to animate
the wide and empty roads in order to avoid a feeling of loneliness – a concept completely
contrary to the Solitude Seekers idea π Well, down to the present days those βghostsβ
have entirely disappeared, as the platform became popular and more and more
βrealβ riders logged in. Although I read some posts about the ghostsβ reappearing,
some guys have spotted them again in the wild; I personally havenβt seen them
for years.
Nowadays Zwift
constantly offers events like races, group rides, and multiple day tours, but training
plans and workouts too. You can assign yourself to an event in the event schedule
and set according reminders. Some of the events are really massive; there are
so many riders joining, that the Zwift servers go down or get to the limits at
least. Then you can witness interesting effects, like riding in a bunch of ownerless
bikes without riders riding them; or riders going around in circles, right through
the group of racers, etc. As said, Zwiftβs popularity has grown hugely in the
last years.
Zwift event in London
EVENTS
I think
Zwift became popular because of all the community aspects and the option to
lock horns with other riders from all around the globe. It can be quite
addictive (and demanding) to join races and get into competition with others;
more than once the training mat under my trainer bike was swamped with sweat,
because my heart had worked in the anaerobic zone for quite a while, without me
paying much attention to itβ¦
When you
join an event, you usually log in some time before the actual event takes
place. You then spawn behind the starting line in between a bunch of other
attendees who have logged in a bit earlier. At this point all the avatarsβ
bikes are attached to virtual trainers in order to give the attendees the
opportunity to run a warm-up until the race starts.
Ready, steady,…
You find a
comment window on your screen and the etiquette requires you to politely say
βHiβ to the others. Usually I say something like βGood afternoon from cold and
wet Berlinβ, or something like that. After that, I shut up. Other riders start
some real chatting. Reading their posts is fun in the beginning; between the
lines you can read their individual level of tension. It gives you somehow a
close-to-reality feeling of a race; like waiting in the starting block of a
real race and listening to all the guys around you cracking nervous jokes.
After a
while, the comments are getting annoying and I hit the settings to hide the
group chat. When the event starts, you run off in a bunch of bodies, bikes and
dust. Many event attendees go off like hell, like raging bulls when the gate
opens; no matter if it is a social group ride or a race, no matter if a ranking
is provided or not. In case you are not like me and let the group chat
entertain you until the event started, you will notice that the amount of
comments is decreasing rapidly now.
Lost in the crowd.
In bigger
events, when all the riders are wearing the same kit, it is quite difficult to
find yourself in the group of others, especially in the beginning. Later, when
the group gets more stretched, it becomes easier to get an overview, and
usually you find yourself in a much smaller group of riders running with a
similar pace and wattage. Now people tend to continue with their chat posts
again. I really wonder how they are doing it. My circulatory is close to
collapse, while others can continue to post jokes.
Anyways,
this is events. I guess I donβt need to mention that Iβm not really into it.
WORKOUTS
Workouts is much closer to my personality. In workout mode your avatar is showing visually that you are doing your own thing. In front of your handlebars is a big screen displayed, thatβs notifying others that you are in your own world, in a do-not-disturb mode. You could also say it’s no screen, it’s rather a shield.
In workout mode (some years ago, when my hair was way shorter π ). The guy in the back is John Cleese, practicing for the ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ sketch.
You can choose from many workouts within Zwift. All those workouts are individually adjusted to your personal FTP. The general idea is about riding intervals: β Warm-up β All out β Recovery β All out β Recovery etc. β Cool down My favorite session is SST (Sweet Spot Training) short and medium, because in that workout you run slightly below your FTP, but in return for a relatively long duration.
JUST RIDE
What makes
Zwift really big to me is the opportunity to Just Ride. I donβt know, but to
just stroll around is what I enjoy the most, to explore the different worlds, to
conquer the βAlpe du Zwiftβ climb, or βflyβ over Central Park on glass roads. I
can easily sink and get lost in virtual worlds. I enjoy the many small details
hidden in the different worlds and courses. Butterflies, birds, trains, etc.
Compared to the old worlds like Richmond, the new worlds like NYC or the new Watopia
βFuego Flatsβ desert course are much richer in their level of detail. More
detailed textures, more different objects (e.g. different trees), more sounds,
better lights, etc.
Strolling Central Park, NYC (screenshot with heavy editing π )
From my point of view the textures and objects are still a bit exaggerated; colors are much too saturated and bright with a much too high contrast, sizing of some objects is sometimes ridiculous (e.g. wooden planks, or some fish under the sea) and the variety of objects could be even better. It is too easy to identify patterns in grass, woods or rocks.
Me riding the Jungle Circuit- all out π Huge wooden planks on the suspension bridge.
Light is too harsh and shadows are much too blockish, light reflections are too simple and unreal. I would love to get a job at Zwift to be responsible for the βCloseness to Realityβ. Hey Zwift, give me a call if you are interested π But thereβs hope. For example, a year ago or so, the old cartoonish moon graphic was replaced by a realistic graphic, and different moon phases have been implemented too.
A new moon rising over Watopia.
As a Solitude Seeker (with heart and soul) I really miss one specific option. Similar to βHide group chatβ I would love to have the βHide other ridersβ option. In the earlier days of Zwift I was playing (or should I say βmessingβ) around with the world tag. One can adjust the world Zwift starts with on log on, by simply changing the world tag in the prefs.xml file (itβs very similar to an HTML tag). To ride Watopia, add: <WORLD>1</WORLD>; to ride Richmond, add: <WORLD>2</WORLD>; to ride London, add: <WORLD>3</WORLD>; etc. Not many people did it at those days. The result was that I had an entire world for almost myself. Another result was that I managed to destroy the Zwift app more than once by messing around with the different options in the prefs file, and therefore had to delete and reinstall the app quite regularly. But hey, it was definitely worth it.
‘Stroll Mode’ – enjoying the silence
Now thereβs
a tool for doing exactly that, called βZwift-Preferencesβ. I havenβt tried it
myself, but read about it. Jesper Nielson from Denmark created several scripts
to help people to ride whatever course at whatever time they want to. Besides
the maps adjustments there are other options that can be changed too, e.g. set
a trainer difficulty effect, toggle Neo road feel, etc.
For me it is enough, that a while ago Zwift made Watopia available permanently. When Iβm in the βstroll moodβ, I go there and pick a random course or choose the βSurprise meβ option, and start spinning. On any junction, I decide spontaneously which direction I go. On the on-screen map I see the other riders nearby and often I base my decision on the amount of riders on my route. If there are too many, I likely decide to turn left or right π
The only way is up! Climb or die.
Like on real rides, I love to take photos on my Zwift rides too. There is a screenshot button in the menu of the Zwift companion app, an app that runs on iOS and Android and works as a remote to control Zwift out of the saddle. After the ride, I put some effort in editing my Zwift photos in order to add some natural feel to it. I dim colors, reduce saturation and contrast, add fog and dust, rain or sunrays, and sometimes even other objects. My preferred apps for that purpose are Pixlr, Lens Distortion and Mirror Lab.
It’s monsoon season in the Jungle.Climbing up to the moon.All out by the falls.
The cycling
industry is massively jumping on the fast running VR-ride train, developing
more and more sophisticated equipment for virtual rides, e.g. trainers mimicking
the virtual road condition; front fork stands, that go up and down to simulate
the virtual terrain; fans that increase or reduce the air stream based on the
riderβs velocity, etc.
Quite the same suspension bridge photo from above, after editing.
All this is happening right now. In addition, a few month ago I read that investors spent a lot of money on Zwift. So letβs see what the future will bring.
But man, I really hope that Zwift is closing the gap and in a few years from now, I can simply put my cycling shades on (replacing todayβs screens) and pedal into a realistic Zwift world. And like GTA 5 or Rage 2 today, I hope Zwift is going to be an endless open world by then.
“Although most of usβmen and women alikeβare socialized to think of men as providers of support during the perinatal period and early parenthood, a wealth of research shows that 10% of new dads experience paternal postpartum depression (50% when mom is depressed!) and tend to need support of their own.
However, the stigma against experiencing difficulties in early parenthood is even higher for men than for women. Society views men as stoic, self-sacrificing, and above all, strong. When men feel none of those things as new fathers, they donβt want to admit it or seek help.
For this reason, Postpartum Support International is an enthusiastic supporter of IFMHD as a means to take a whole-family, father-inclusive approach by shedding light on the best practices and related resources for dads, their partners, and those who support them.
Founded by paternal postpartum depression survivor Mark Williams and fatherhood mental health expert and PSI board member Dr. Daniel Singley, IFMHD involves taking the day after Fatherβs Day to launch a focused social media campaign which highlights key aspects of fathersβ mental health.”
I really hope the club is growing a big and healthy community. Some people reached out to me, telling me that the idea and the concept of SSCC is great and helpful to them and some of their friends. So let’s make this big together.
Please spread the word and tell people about the SSCC πΊ β₯
It is a cycling club for any cyclist – no matter if you are in good health or facing mental (or physical) issues in your current life phase (like depression, burnout, insomnia, PTSD, etc.). The basic idea of Solitude Seekers CC is to give people with mental issues a home base, where inspiration can be found and individual experiences can be shared.
It is a cycling club for any cyclist – no matter if you are riding fast or slow, for training or for recreation, on a road race bike, MTB, TT, gravel bike, Fixie, folding bike, or any other kind of two-wheeler (although we have to admit that we have quite a strong preference on road bikes π ).
And last but not least,
it is a cycling club for any cyclist – no matter if you are dense or bright, rich or poor, female or male (or any other gender), no matter if your skin is black, white, red, blue or whatever other color, no matter if you are an atheist, a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Budhhist, Hindu or whatever – and finally, no matter if your sexual orientation is straight, LGBTQ, asexual or whatever.
It simply doesn’t matter.
BUT: We definitely do not accept any kind of racism, sexism, violence or any other form of degradation!
We are all cyclists and human beings, and that’s all that matters!
Oh yes, thanks Wilson for reminding me: And we like to keep politics outside of the club too πΊ β₯
“I thought of that while riding my bicycle” β Einstein on the Theory of Relativity β Taken from Einstein and the Art of Mindful Cycling by Ben Irvine
Hammer the road! All out!
Let your heart rate hit the anaerobic zone. Feel the energy, feel your strength. Shout out loud if you want to – you are all alone in the woods. Calm down then – still pedaling – let your heart get back to ‘normal’ speed. Feel yourself now, feel how your body works. Focus on your mind, watch your thoughts get slowly sorted. Let the bad things go, keep the good ones only. You are great, you are definitely allowed to love yourself.
In those precious moments for most of us it is not so much on thinking of something like the Theory of Relativity. For us it is more to go back to some normal state, to entirely feel ourselves. Listen to you, your body speaks to you all the time, learn to listen again. Learn to understand your mind, filter the continuous stream of thoughts and only follow the relevant ones. Stop thinking the same thought over and over again. It’s done, you thought it. It is not getting better or giving you other insights if think it again. And again. And again… Stop it. Fight the shadows. This is your time.
That’s a quote from roadcyclistsguide.com: Itβs almost impossible to get on your bike in a bad mood and then for it not to melt away as you cycle. A cycle ride can dissipate stress, it makes you feel good, makes you feel virtuous and you fairly much always finish in a better mood and with a clearer head than when you started.
Go out now. Go get your bike and hammer that damned road!
Solitude Seekers is a Cycling Club for everybody, no matter if you are poor or rich, white or black, green, blue, red or yellow; female or male (or others), straight or homosexual, bright or dense, etc.
But most of it, it is a cycling club for people facing depressions, burnouts, insomnia and all the rest of it. It is a club for people who believe road cycling* is helping them to overcome this period in life.
*but MTB, BMX, folding bikes, and all the rest too
For me personally I prefer to ride on my own, all alone in nature, feeling the power of my body but of the elements too. This is my way to free my mind. I have overcome my burnout and road cycling has helped me a lot.
Ok, I was riding before s**t hits the fan, but I never stopped during dejection. When it all started, riding helped me to run away from the problems. Later it helped me to get my thoughts sorted and to keep my mind free; but always it kept my body moving and forced me to go out into nature.
Therefore I love cycling. And I would always recommend it to people facing similar situations.